0:00
[MUSIC PLAYING]
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Courantish.
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[APPLAUSE]
0:10
Hello, I'm Lucy Porter, and welcome to Courantish,
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the show that serves you everything
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you need to know about current events in the summer months,
0:18
when you might be more interested in picnics than politics.
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For the next few weeks, I'm going to be joined by some fabulous
0:24
fresh-faced comics to chat through the week's news,
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as well as highlighting some stories you might have missed.
0:29
We'll be combining my world-wearing cynicism
0:32
with their youthful, jua de vivre.
0:34
Imagine the family group chat when your mum's
0:36
had a couple of roses and finished her book on the EU.
0:40
To sum up my vibe, think Emily mateless, broadcasting live
0:44
from her back garden with her feet in the paddling pool,
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her bra and the freezer, and the calippo instead
0:50
of a microphone.
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It's that time of year where we've swapped our heavy winter
0:55
duvet for the light summer one, and we've done
0:58
the same for our Prime Ministers.
1:00
(LAUGHTER)
1:05
I mean, if anything, Andy Burnham's hotter, but hey, ho.
1:08
England didn't manage to bring football home,
1:11
but they did drop it off at the top of the road,
1:13
and it promised it was fine to walk the rest of the way from there.
1:18
The US and Iran announced they are committed to peace talks
1:21
right after they finished sending each other
1:22
strongly-worded invitations disguised as missiles.
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US Secretary of War, Pete Hexif, announced
1:29
that the conflict with Iran has cost $37.5 billion so far,
1:34
and he said he's going to need even more money.
1:36
Explaining to Congress, we live in a dangerous world.
1:39
Yes, mainly because he's in it.
1:41
(LAUGHTER)
1:43
Those are the things that I managed to gather
1:45
in between some bathing and eating kettel chips,
1:47
but our wonderful guests have been digging a bit deeper.
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Please welcome my panel, Jon Totteel, Kyra Gray, Amy and Net.
1:54
(APPLAUSE)
1:58
It's delightful to have you all here.
2:00
It really is. Thank you. Thank you, Jon.
2:01
And I'm going to turn to you, Kyra, first,
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to ask a quick question.
2:06
If you were Andy Burnham, what policy was a dream?
2:10
I know. I know.
2:12
I get told I looked like him all the time, so that's really nice.
2:15
So if you were Andy Burnham, what policy
2:17
would you immediately introduce to win over the public?
2:20
She said, "I know what, I have a few.
2:22
I do have a few, but I think my main one
2:24
that I think people are most passionate about is paying for bags."
2:27
I don't know how we got swindled into trying to save the planet
2:30
by paying for plastic, and now we're paying for paper.
2:33
Right? Yeah?
2:35
You didn't notice you're going into Prime Mark and Zara
2:37
and you're paying 40 P, guys.
2:38
Yeah? I don't...
2:39
Someone needs to get stoned in the square.
2:41
(LAUGHTER)
2:43
I'm not having it, you know what I mean?
2:44
So that would be my... No, no, no, no.
2:46
It's just disgusting.
2:47
I've never said stoned someone in the square before, but...
2:49
Oh, I do want to say it. Thank you.
2:51
I agree with you. Thank you, someone in the square.
2:52
I think this audience, probably,
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would be in favour of the death penalty.
2:56
(LAUGHTER)
2:58
For a lot of people playing their music out loud on the train.
3:00
Yes. Oh, I cannot get in my car.
3:03
Don't you think there's a point there where
3:04
if you've got people playing music out loud
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and then sometimes if like a mad person brings a speaker
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onto a train? Yeah.
3:10
I find that quite life-affirming, don't I mean?
3:13
I think... Do you know what?
3:14
Absolutely fair enough.
3:16
(LAUGHTER)
3:17
But I think there's a difference there,
3:18
because a phone feels like you're being rude, you know?
3:20
Because this is your device,
3:23
but you just, you just don't mind inconvenience in us.
3:26
But a speaker's like,
3:28
"I want to invite you to my party."
3:30
(LAUGHTER)
3:31
That feels like a community.
3:33
I can get behind you.
3:34
Yeah, that's how far we've got that people with speakers
3:37
are now the good guys.
3:38
(LAUGHTER)
3:39
Wow, what a world.
3:41
So we've established their death penalty
3:43
for charging for paper bags,
3:47
playing your music out loud unless you're insane.
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In which case, you could lead the Labour Party.
3:51
(LAUGHTER)
3:53
Yes, that's what Andy Burdening can do.
3:55
John, obviously speaking of new jobs,
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Andy Burdening's just started.
3:59
What's the worst first impression you've made in a new job?
4:02
Well, before I was a comedian, I was a teacher
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and on my first...
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Is it a boom?
4:08
(LAUGHTER)
4:11
What?
4:13
It's a contingent being of people
4:15
who think kids shouldn't learn to read.
4:17
(LAUGHTER)
4:20
Or is one of your ex-students with a very deep voice?
4:23
Hey, Mark, did you know the school I used to teach
4:25
out was really was round the corner from here?
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So it's not out of the question.
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It could be one of you.
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I made a terrible first impression
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because I was one of those teachers.
4:33
You know when you walk past,
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like there are certain classrooms you walk past at school
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and you think, "Oh, OK, it's not that those children aren't learning."
4:40
Those children are forgetting.
4:41
Do you know what I mean?
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And that was me.
4:44
Every day for about six months.
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And I thought I should be clear, I taught you four, by the way.
4:48
I just can't...
4:49
Which is what? That's eight-year-olds, isn't it?
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Yeah, eight, nine-years-old, yeah.
4:53
And they are the scariest at that age.
4:54
Right? Yeah.
4:55
They're terrifying because they've got...
4:57
They've got... because...
4:59
They're terrifying, they're very small,
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but they've now got theory of mind.
5:02
(LAUGHTER)
5:04
They understand themselves as individuals
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and you as just a person.
5:07
(LAUGHTER)
5:08
So Amy, as we all know,
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England won the third place playoff.
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Yeah!
5:16
So my question to you is,
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what's the most pathetic thing you've ever won?
5:19
(LAUGHTER)
5:21
Oh, no!
5:23
(APPLAUSE)
5:27
I'm not co-signing that.
5:28
I love to boys.
5:30
Oh, no.
5:31
I feel like the most pathetic thing I've ever won is,
5:34
in my secondary school,
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we got into the idea of doing a yearbook for the first time,
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you know, the kind of the Americanization of the UK.
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And so we did this yearbook
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and we got superlative, so like, most likely too.
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And I got most likely to be the Prime Minister's wife.
5:51
(LAUGHTER)
5:55
And I think it's really important for you to know,
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I went to a girl school,
5:58
(LAUGHTER)
5:59
both old, you know, watch out Mrs. Burnham.
6:01
(LAUGHTER)
6:03
'Cause you're not that old.
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We had had a female Prime Minister by that time.
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Oh, famously.
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And sure, it didn't go well.
6:10
(LAUGHTER)
6:11
It wasn't her gender.
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It was her ideas and politics.
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You could be talking about any of the three, but...
6:17
(LAUGHTER)
6:18
So true.
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Anyway, we'll move on.
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So the main headline this week was that we have a new Prime Minister.
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Andy Burnham was mocked for posting a love island-themed TikTok.
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In the video, we see Andy strolling into number 10
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as a voiceover announces.
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This week, a hot new bomb shell enters the villa.
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Don't have any...
6:40
(LAUGHTER)
6:42
Do you know what?
6:43
I think I am now in favour of the social media ban,
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but not for teenagers.
6:47
(LAUGHTER)
6:48
Just for Andy Burnham, specifically.
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And there have been mixed messages
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in the first week of Andy Burnham's premiership.
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He promised to end homelessness
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on the same day that he kicked an unemployed grey-haired,
7:01
sad old man out of the place he'd called home...
7:04
(LAUGHTER)
7:06
for the last two years.
7:07
What a sad day that was.
7:09
So, Jon, fill me in, what else has Andy been up to?
7:12
Good question.
7:13
So, Andy Burnham...
7:14
I mean, there's been a big stylistic shift, hasn't there?
7:17
I mean, they can't change that many policies,
7:19
because obviously they've been elected on the same manifesto
7:21
five minutes ago.
7:23
But there is something slightly stylistically different
7:25
about Andy Burnham.
7:26
Andy Burnham is the kind of man
7:28
if he caught you smoking weed as a teenager,
7:31
he wouldn't tell your parents,
7:33
but the next time you see him,
7:34
he'd have a long chat with you about mental health.
7:36
Do you know what I mean?
7:37
There's a kind of approachability to him.
7:39
And it's all part of this, he wears a t-shirt,
7:41
and he gave his inaugural speech without notes, without a lectern.
7:45
And I know that's a gimmick, but it really works on me, you know?
7:49
I was so impressed.
7:50
When someone makes a speech without notes,
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because it can go so...
7:53
That you can either give the most electrifying or retrieve
7:56
ever seeing in your life, or a speech without notes can be like...
7:59
It can be like a father of the bride standing up,
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you think, is he about to say his daughter looks shapely or something?
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Do you know what I mean?
8:05
Really?
8:06
It's on a knife edge of speech without notes.
8:08
And so I'm quite easily impressed, yeah?
8:11
Well, the sort of communication seems to be better.
8:15
The vibe seems to be a lot more relaxed, doesn't it?
8:17
And you mentioned the no-shirt and tie thing.
8:21
So he's not going to wear a suit except on special occasions,
8:24
like his daughter's wedding, where we cause her shapely.
8:27
I might be about to out myself
8:29
for sort of the most conservative man in Britain,
8:31
but like, I think the Prime Minister should wear a tie.
8:34
Do you agree?
8:35
And what scary about that is there are people like me
8:37
who walk around being like, well, maybe I'll just elect a fascist, shall I?
8:40
If you're not going to wear a bloody tie.
8:43
You know, God knows what I'll do, it's scary.
8:45
I think it would be so embarrassing if you've never been seen wearing a tie
8:48
to turn up on the first day as Prime Minister wearing a very work experience.
8:52
You know, like, suddenly, you know,
8:55
and you're wearing your dad's suit, there doesn't really fit you.
8:58
I'm quite indifferent about it, because I quite like the fact
9:00
that I think he's trying to be one of the lads, do you know what I mean?
9:03
I think he's trying to be like, I'm just like you,
9:05
let's lower the taxes, I feel like that's his vibe.
9:08
And I quite like that about him.
9:09
I like how normal they look.
9:11
Yes, you're right.
9:13
And there's a kind of, he's metropolitan in a kind of, he is laid back,
9:18
but also, and it is a little bit try hard.
9:19
You know, do you know where he buys his shoes?
9:22
Clarks.
9:24
And that's a bit suspicious, isn't it?
9:26
Because that's a bit too relatable, isn't it?
9:29
Well, you all know about Clarks.
9:31
I bought my school shoes in Clarks.
9:34
I was once told and I quote,
9:36
"Christ, you've got wide feet in Clarks."
9:40
Maybe he has wide feet.
9:42
I love the idea of Andy Burnham there with that little machine
9:45
they used to go out and all you've done very well,
9:48
just pop your foot to the back of the slidey thing
9:51
and here's a lollipop, that's lovely.
9:53
Well, that kind of made me love him more,
9:54
because that's very Jamaican of him.
9:56
Do you know what I mean?
9:57
That's very Jamaican by choosing Clarks.
9:59
Vibes Cartel has a very, very vibrant song called Clarks.
10:01
Go home and search it.
10:04
I like the fact that there's a trendy song called Clarks
10:07
because my cloud-stepper sandals
10:08
that I'm wearing tonight are from Clarks.
10:11
Oh, I love that.
10:12
So the next time I charge and take the make out of me,
10:14
I will play them a song, and you know, I'm very cool, actually.
10:16
Other shoe shops are, of course, available.
10:18
Oh, yeah, sorry, but I've gone heavily into it.
10:20
But then where would you buy your shoes?
10:21
Shoes, zone.
10:22
There's, there's, there's, shut as well with shoes.
10:24
Yeah, why are they all called just shoes?
10:25
I don't know.
10:26
It's so weird, isn't it?
10:27
Shoes, zone, shoes?
10:28
Well, it's the classic confusion,
10:29
because boots is called boots and doesn't sell boots.
10:32
Yeah.
10:33
Yeah. So they've gone, we need to be a bit more clear.
10:36
We need to say, this is shoes.
10:37
It's very much like I'm learning.
10:38
Yeah, but then super, super drugs called super-drug,
10:41
and they ain't got no super drugs.
10:43
Yeah.
10:44
(audience laughs)
10:47
(upbeat music)
10:51
So, what have you thought as well as the,
10:53
the Sartorial aspect to it?
10:56
And we should point out to the listeners
10:57
that John is sat here wearing a full morning suit.
11:00
Yes.
11:01
(audience laughs)
11:02
So you're not keen on this style,
11:04
but what about the policies?
11:06
On Thursday, he promised to cut business rates
11:10
for hospitality venues at music clubs and stuff like that,
11:12
which I think is great, obviously, I guess.
11:14
But also, when he made the announcement,
11:16
he said, I want the pubs to know the cavalry are coming.
11:20
I thought, that's great.
11:21
You couldn't imagine Keir Starmer saying that,
11:22
could you ask quite literary?
11:24
There's something happy warrior like about him.
11:26
He's polling now, I think at 28%, which isn't good,
11:30
but it's not unprecedentedly bad.
11:32
And it's old labour, old labourer back.
11:34
He cares about affordable housing,
11:36
he cares about transport infrastructure,
11:39
and occasionally he will say something mad,
11:42
like we should nationalise the picky bit section of M&S.
11:44
(audience laughs)
11:45
And you think, yeah, great, old labourer's back.
11:48
I can deal with them, you know?
11:50
It's like we're bringing back pubs,
11:52
and we're gonna tax vape shops, which is very modern.
11:57
And it's all sort of bringing about buses,
11:59
things that we sort of know, and trust, and heating.
12:02
We stuff that we remember from now on.
12:04
Thank you.
12:05
Yeah.
12:06
I feel like he's one step away from saying
12:08
that my knees will work again.
12:09
(audience laughs)
12:12
We'll get rid of Microsoft Teams.
12:15
Yeah.
12:16
(audience laughs)
12:17
God, yeah.
12:18
So nice.
12:19
Oh, popular.
12:20
(audience applauds)
12:21
The opposition have said that Burnham is obsessed
12:24
with Manchester, but Andy says that's unfair.
12:26
He also mentioned Stockport.
12:28
(audience laughs)
12:30
And he's further tried to lay fears
12:31
that he is on a mission to Manchesterize the nation,
12:34
saying there is no truth in the rumor
12:36
that he's changing the name of the houses of Parliament
12:38
to the co-op live legislative arena.
12:40
(audience laughs)
12:43
So we have found out a little bit about what he's been doing,
12:47
and we found out who's in.
12:49
But let's think about who's out,
12:51
because Keir Starmer's gone, Rachel Reeves's gone,
12:54
the lectern is gone.
12:56
Basically, if you were a wooden presence in British politics,
12:58
you didn't survive this way.
12:59
(audience laughs)
13:02
Sorry.
13:03
(audience applauds)
13:05
So Keir Starmer left, but who is in, I mean?
13:09
So the cabinet, so far, we know that Rachel Reeves is out,
13:12
she was offered defence, but she rejected it.
13:15
So instead, now that we have Angela Rainer, Ed Milliband,
13:18
Ivette Cooper, Westreeding, Louise Hague,
13:20
Hamish Falkner, Shabban Mahmoud, Pat McFadden, and John Healy.
13:24
But having said that, there's quite a lot of similarities,
13:26
even though like Angela Rainer's come back,
13:28
Louise Hague's come back.
13:30
And also, I know the idea is the most northern cabinet yet,
13:34
but I do think that he's slightly missed an opportunity here,
13:37
because with Anna Sauer, they brought him in from Scotland
13:41
as a Lord, right?
13:41
And when Cameron was brought in by Johnson as a Lord,
13:44
they showed that if you just make someone a Lord,
13:46
you can pretty much have any one you like in your cabinet.
13:49
We could have had the most Manchester cabinet of all time.
13:53
OK, I'm talking to Alex Ferguson.
13:57
I'm rolling, Mr Ferguson, down that Downing Street red carpet.
14:02
Imagine saying no to Alex Ferguson.
14:04
Can you imagine?
14:05
No Gallagher?
14:06
Obviously not Liam.
14:07
Let's get in, obviously not Liam.
14:09
Get Gallagher in, or like one at a time they could both be doing it.
14:12
Imagine a PMQ's and you're a Tory looking over,
14:16
and it's just no Gallagher just staring you deep into the eye.
14:18
You're not saying nothing!
14:20
I feel like they've made a mistake there,
14:22
because it'd be quite good if you got the Gallagher brothers in,
14:25
because it would make the Miller-Bandes look harmonious.
14:27
Yeah!
14:29
Yeah, so true, and the Bands,
14:31
but a lot of the people who are now involved in Burnham's government
14:34
are classic labour heads, right?
14:36
A lot of them are to do with this thing called Labour Together,
14:39
I noticed, which is like a network really more than anything else.
14:41
But a lot of them were like founding members
14:43
or part of Labour Together is now called Think Labour.
14:46
Think Labour? What's next?
14:47
Can we win it? Labour?
14:49
I think we're great.
14:50
Think Labour sounds like a cry for help, doesn't it?
14:53
Think Labour, I can't say it!
14:55
We've got one more chance!
14:56
Yeah, here we go, and I think it is kind of that.
14:59
But anyway, so they all come together back into this cabinet.
15:02
So although it feels like a new change in many ways it really is,
15:06
I think it is a classic labour thing
15:07
where so many of the same people are back.
15:09
Well, you said there's new heads and old heads, but there's new hair.
15:12
Oh, yes, and thank you for bringing it up,
15:15
because it's my great obsession with someone who often dies her hair
15:17
and then regrets it.
15:18
Louise Hague, very much Burnham, sort of number one.
15:22
In fact, she's made herself the Duchy of Lancaster.
15:25
What does that mean?
15:26
So it's sort of nonsense, but what she has made herself is...
15:30
It feels like one of those things
15:32
where everyone else gets a proper job.
15:34
It's like when you go around to someone's house for dinner
15:36
and they clearly don't trust you to cook anything.
15:39
So they say, "You can bring the crisps."
15:41
Is that what that is?
15:43
Yeah, that's what that is. Oh, John, yeah, that's what it is.
15:47
I'm always on Chris.
15:49
And I, do you ever been asked for ice?
15:52
Yeah. Oh, John. Oh, no.
15:54
Dips, dips, John?
15:56
No, I'm not trusted with dips.
15:58
And I should say nonsense, Rob.
16:00
That's obviously not a political statement.
16:03
I feel comfortable making, but I've made it now.
16:05
No, she has made herself the person that everyone reports to.
16:08
She's like the head of all the secretaries of state.
16:10
It's very chic to do. Oh, my God.
16:13
You know, I love the way that Burnham's done it, you know,
16:15
you feel it very much by the rule, my enemy's enemy is, you know, John Healey.
16:18
It's a fantastic one.
16:20
Everyone who undermines Starmer in some way by leaving early
16:23
or saying that he should leave have been given roles in this cabinet.
16:26
But I think it's, you know, a mean girl-esque.
16:29
And I respect it so much.
16:32
I mean, some of the first things that he's done,
16:33
the new Prime Minister's plan to cut that on household energy bills
16:37
was going to be funded with money from the abandoned plans
16:40
to introduce digital ID.
16:42
But it turns out that nothing was ever allocated to that.
16:44
So the cash will have to be recovered from something else
16:46
that was never going to happen.
16:48
[LAUGHTER]
16:50
So suggestions for that, the victory parade
16:53
for the England World Cup squad, maybe.
16:56
The HS2 station in Leeds, money going there,
17:00
or the rap party for the Scott Mills breakfast show.
17:03
[LAUGHTER]
17:04
[MUSIC PLAYING]
17:07
Now, we have talked about Andy Burnham.
17:10
I'm now going to move on to a subject
17:12
that I know very little about, right?
17:14
Kyra, you have been looking at the World Cup.
17:17
Yes.
17:17
And I am warning you in advance.
17:19
I need all of your help when it comes to talking about football.
17:22
I will be honest with you.
17:23
This World Cup, lots of it happened after my bedtime, Christophe.
17:27
Oh, so there was about 150 nations playing in it.
17:32
And I was like, I am not going to stay up till one in the morning
17:36
to watch Vatican City versus Narnia, right?
17:38
[LAUGHTER]
17:42
So I need you to fill me in, Kyra.
17:45
What did you enjoy about the World Cup?
17:47
Oh, I really just enjoyed it.
17:49
I feel like it really brought everyone together.
17:51
Like, did everyone watch the World Cup, yeah?
17:52
Yeah, you guys enjoyed it?
17:54
Yeah.
17:55
Honestly, I feel like whenever we have the World Cup
17:57
and love Ireland going on at the same time,
17:59
there's just like a--
18:00
there's an air of harm in so many--
18:01
You have to talk, you know?
18:02
There's just so much to gossip about.
18:03
And I love that.
18:05
And I will admit, as it started to get a bit more,
18:08
it started to become more of a possible idea
18:10
that England could win it.
18:11
And there were more England flags in the street.
18:13
It was a bit scary, you know?
18:15
Because you don't know whether they want it to come home
18:17
or if they're telling me to go home.
18:18
So I think that was the idea for me.
18:20
[LAUGHTER]
18:21
It's a big thing.
18:22
[APPLAUSE]
18:25
But like, I'm really proud of the England team.
18:26
Because I think this is the purpose we've gotten
18:28
since 1966 for something like that.
18:30
So I feel like we really need to applaud them for that.
18:32
But I will say, that's semi-final game, yeah?
18:37
I am like 90% sure.
18:38
This is why men are losing their hair.
18:40
I--
18:41
[LAUGHTER]
18:43
It's football.
18:44
Like, it's not your wife, Jonathan.
18:46
It's because you support Hall.
18:47
Do you know what I mean?
18:48
[LAUGHTER]
18:50
I don't know how you guys do it.
18:51
I was so stressed out.
18:52
I wanted to jump through the screen and put someone
18:55
in a headlock.
18:56
And to be honest, I probably would have
18:58
fitting quite well with the way Argentina was playing.
19:00
[LAUGHTER]
19:02
I don't know what was going on.
19:03
It was just very rough.
19:05
People were getting punched.
19:06
It was just really gross to see, man.
19:08
I was Spanish in the final.
19:09
I don't care.
19:10
I don't care.
19:10
Well, anyone's got to say, "Ola, ola, see."
19:12
Yeah?
19:13
[LAUGHTER]
19:14
Don't care.
19:15
I know two people got a lot of backlash.
19:17
People were saying he wasn't playing the right players.
19:19
And I do agree.
19:20
We didn't see Saka once.
19:21
Then you play him in the best losers match.
19:23
Saka scores a hat trick.
19:24
I was feaming right.
19:27
But I was really proud of them, because I
19:29
think it was just such a beautiful moment.
19:30
And it was really nice for us all to witness as well.
19:33
Jude Bellingham.
19:34
[LAUGHTER]
19:39
The whole audience is going, oh, oh.
19:42
I think it's very important for us to remember
19:44
that he is like 23, 24.
19:45
Oh, just so important.
19:46
I know you made-- you said, oh, which is the right noise.
19:48
But I'm talking to myself and my own thoughts.
19:50
[LAUGHTER]
19:52
Remind me.
19:53
Remind me.
19:54
I really love Jude Bellingham and Harlan's relationship.
19:56
I thought it was so cute to witness
19:57
their little friendship.
19:58
Then just on the rubbing foreheads, how romantic is that?
20:01
It's not what I mean.
20:02
I've never had a mind to do that to me before.
20:04
I just wanted them.
20:05
I wanted Harlan to lift Jude in the air
20:07
and fulfill the dirty dance and fantasy
20:09
that we all had.
20:09
[LAUGHTER]
20:11
Did I mean it?
20:12
I was having a blast.
20:13
[APPLAUSE]
20:16
Oh, it was just so nice.
20:18
My flatmate is Spanish.
20:19
And the final-- every time one of the Spanish players
20:23
passed the ball to someone else under her breath
20:24
kept going, my boyfriend.
20:26
[LAUGHTER]
20:29
My boyfriend.
20:30
[LAUGHTER]
20:31
There was another one of the Spanish players
20:33
who put his world cup medal around his mom's neck.
20:35
Oh, yeah.
20:36
And that was the-- see, because I don't have any interest
20:39
in football as actually at all.
20:43
I will be-- I mean, they'll be relieved, I would think.
20:45
But I do.
20:47
You know, I look at-- I do.
20:48
I look at young men.
20:48
I think I'll teach them things in the bedroom.
20:50
They've never dreamt of.
20:51
But you know, literally just mean changing their sheets.
20:55
That's all I'm telling you.
20:57
I do not enjoy the younger men.
21:00
What I enjoy is men who are nice to their mothers now.
21:03
That's what gets me every time.
21:06
And they are a lovely generation, this.
21:08
Oh, no, they're nice boys.
21:09
They were so gracious, weren't they?
21:10
And so--
21:11
And you compare it to the behavior of the Argentinians.
21:14
Oh.
21:14
Brings out you're in a Margaret Fatcher, doesn't it?
21:16
[LAUGHTER]
21:19
[APPLAUSE]
21:22
I thought, could we take you back and get?
21:24
OK.
21:25
You're in a Margaret Fatcher, is never that far from the surface.
21:27
This is it.
21:28
I've come on national radio to go, the prime minister's work,
21:31
tie, and I feel like Margaret Fatcher, right?
21:33
Thank you.
21:34
[MUSIC PLAYING]
21:37
We've talked about the World Cup,
21:38
but the sport doesn't end there.
21:40
The Commonwealth Games kicked off in Glasgow on Thursday
21:43
after Australia pulled out of hosting.
21:46
The slim-down lineup has meant some sports,
21:48
such as cricket and the triathlon, have been cut.
21:50
But some traditional Scottish sports have been added,
21:52
including sport your husband shopping and hide the camper van.
21:55
[LAUGHTER]
22:02
Donald Trump has signed a landmark deal
22:04
that will allow Saudi Arabia to develop a civilian nuclear
22:07
program.
22:08
A despotic ruler with no respect for women
22:11
has now signed a deal with Saudi Arabia.
22:13
[LAUGHTER]
22:15
And the deal only allows Saudi Arabia
22:17
to use the technology for energy programs, not weapons.
22:21
A security measure is airtight as the warning
22:23
on a box of cotton buds telling you not to put them in your ears.
22:26
[LAUGHTER]
22:27
So we've talked about the main news.
22:30
But here at Currentish, we don't just want to cover the big hitters.
22:33
I've also asked my panel to bring along a smaller story
22:36
that caught their eye, because it's not the size.
22:38
It's what you do with it.
22:39
So Aimee, let's have a quick listen
22:42
to what you want to tell us about.
22:44
Yes, I was talking about Andrew Tate, which is one
22:48
of those sort of fun stories where the minute you sort
22:50
of actually think about it for even half a second,
22:52
you think, that's very bad.
22:54
But it's true, Andrew Tate and his brother
22:57
have been arrested in Miami.
22:59
Yes.
23:00
[APPLAUSE]
23:02
They've been arrested by, obviously,
23:04
the US Justice Department for extradition to the UK,
23:07
because of cases brought against him
23:08
by the Bedfordshire police.
23:10
It's important for us to remember that the UK should bear
23:12
some responsibility for Andrew Tate and his brother and his ilk,
23:16
because he grew up in Lutin.
23:18
Yeah, so if you think about that next time,
23:20
you're getting an easier jet flight.
23:22
You're at the home of Tate Hood, but the story is ha-ha-ha,
23:27
because what he was wearing, when he was arrested,
23:30
can only be described as an outfit made for Cilla Black
23:35
that he has stretched upon his body,
23:38
because he's wearing a silky purple shirt, right?
23:42
Tight beyond belief, OK?
23:44
Trisha would have looked fantastic in this shirt,
23:46
as I'm trying to say, but he looks insane.
23:48
Because if you've never seen Andrew Tate,
23:50
imagine if the plasticine character Morphe
23:54
had made some really bad life choice.
23:56
Yeah!
23:58
Actually, no one has described him better, Lutin.
24:00
That is exactly right.
24:01
And he is, you know, he set himself up as a role model
24:04
for confused young men, but at least this week he was a role model
24:07
for those of us who aren't sure if we've still got the ankle
24:09
to carry off a capri-pant.
24:11
Well, that is a great story to cover
24:13
because he is a pathetic man.
24:15
Kaira, what story caught your eye?
24:17
Oh, I saw this story about a cute Labrador, his name's Tokyo,
24:22
and he had to get rescued from the tallest mountain in Scotland,
24:25
because he accidentally ate an edible.
24:28
[LAUGHTER]
24:30
That's an edible marijuana, sir.
24:32
That's an edible marijuana for those of you.
24:34
That was druglessness.
24:35
And, first of all, accidentally, do you know what I mean?
24:42
Personally, I feel like Tokyo wanted a good time, right?
24:46
And I think he just didn't know how much to put in it,
24:49
you know, understandably.
24:50
I just feel like he wanted a night out with the lads,
24:52
and he took a bit of more than he could chew.
24:54
[LAUGHTER]
24:57
Yeah, that's my favourite story, as well.
24:58
It was a good, just little story.
25:00
I mean, and obviously, we feel really sorry for Tokyo,
25:02
but we should point out that he did make an absolutely full recovery.
25:06
Oh, he's fine.
25:07
Yeah, better than fine, actually.
25:09
He managed to make it to the garage at the end of the road for some rizzlers.
25:11
[LAUGHTER]
25:13
I bet he ate a lot of dog treats.
25:15
[LAUGHTER]
25:16
Yeah, Labrador is the worst dog to be stoned, right?
25:19
Surely.
25:20
They're hungry anyway, so.
25:22
John, you've got a lovely story to share with us.
25:25
Yes, I don't know if you've seen this, but a South Korean bank manager
25:28
was found to have embezzled 70 million Korean one,
25:32
with about $45,000 worth of banknotes.
25:37
And the way that he pulled off this heist is at the bank he worked at,
25:41
he would go down to the bank vault and slowly replace
25:45
the banknotes with cartoon banknotes.
25:48
And I mean, like, cartoon banknotes.
25:51
I mean, these aren't even vaguely realistic.
25:53
You can see pictures of them.
25:54
And they're like cartoon penguins on these other things.
25:57
And then eventually, when he was finally found out,
25:59
he was so popular at the place where he worked that they decided they were going
26:04
to try and resolve it internally.
26:06
[LAUGHTER]
26:07
Just give them money back.
26:08
We all like you.
26:09
They sell $45,000, just give it back.
26:12
And then eventually someone said, no, I think this is maybe a police matter,
26:15
actually, about tens of thousands of pounds, you know?
26:19
But it's a good idea, but it's a good idea for John.
26:21
He Lee's fiscal black hole problem, isn't it?
26:24
You know, cartoon money.
26:25
Yeah, well, there we go.
26:26
There's a way to fix the economy right there with cartoon notes.
26:29
The little story that I loved, which you may not have seen,
26:32
is that obviously, we all know the biotapistry is back on British soil.
26:35
The first time in nearly a thousand years.
26:37
But an academic debate has been raging about how many penises are depicted on it.
26:44
Obviously, prompting the question, how can we be sure that was an arrow?
26:46
He got in his eye.
26:47
But just to fill you in, it's brilliant, there's two rival professors, right?
26:56
So Medievalist Professor Garnett says there are 93 penises,
27:00
88 belonging to horses and five to men,
27:03
which very much like a Jilly Koopan novel, isn't it?
27:06
But rival tapestry scholar Dr. Monk believes he has found a 94th,
27:15
but it does answer the question,
27:16
and could I get a PhD in looking at Medieval Cox, the answer is yes.
27:21
Thanks to our excellent panel and our sensational studio audience,
27:25
that's everything you need to know to stay current-ish this week.
27:28
Good bye!
27:32
Current-ish was hosted by Lucy Porter with guest-commit John Tocktill,
27:36
Kyra Gray and Amy Annett.
27:38
It was written by Lucy Porter, Replasco and Katie Sayer,
27:40
with additional material by Lorna Reeder and Mike Sheppard.
27:43
The producer was Katie Sayer, and it was a mighty, funny production for BBC Radio 4.
27:51
Hello, it's Lucy Porter here.
27:53
If you liked that episode of Current-ish,
27:55
you can hear new episodes every Friday on BBC Sounds.
27:58
Just search Friday Night Comedy.
28:01
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28:04
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28:06
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28:12
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28:15
without hesitation, deviation or repetition.
28:18
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